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Silence Screams February 17, 2012

Posted by Gomathi Reddy in Love and Life, Personal, Relationships, Women and Children.
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My mom said, I was a very quiet new-born.  One of those rare newborns who never cried, but who’d only smile.  They thought I was dumb. Apparently they tried everything – pinching (I’d only flinch!), thrashing me at all those little fatty places (no reaction, or so they thought.  But probably I thought, ha, ha, try your best, I am going to beat you at your best!), made faces at me (I remember, a few people did scare me, but still I wouldn’t cry!), tried intimidating me with pin pricks (that I guess did the trick – I still had only tears welling up, a feeble wail, but they still didn’t get to hear my precious voice).  They apparently didn’t bother after that, and my mother and father were worried if they have to live with the trauma of raising a dumb, and probably who knows, a deaf kid.  My father blamed my mother for all those medicines she took, wanting to abort me, and my mother blamed my father for being so harsh on her, just when she wanted him by her side – And they cried together, and stopped blaming each other and became lovey-dovey, forgetting that I was watching and recording all that, only to blog about it later in life!

Then after about 3 months, I was told – one fine day it happened. My elder brother took away a little blue-teether-like-thing from my cradle and he least expected me to bring the roof down, out of the blue!!  By the way, sky-blue is still my favourite colour!  And what do you think I saw – the whole house of elders, young and old, gathered around my cradle, as if something was wrong with me and I caught them all crying, laughing, dancing (or trying something to that effect), and that evening the house lit up with food and laughter, and it looked and sounded, something close to a celebration.  That was a moment of not one, but two truths – One, your wails can be reason for someone else’s celebration! Two, you can be an entertainer, just by being noisy!

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As I grew up, I guess I used to go off into my little silent packages for days, and my parents were so protective of me that they’d never want me to interact with anyone who’d offend me out of my silence!  I don’t know about them, but I used to be happy in my own world, without human beings, only books, beds and bed-wetting (they didn’t have washing machines those days, and poor Mommy, had to put a smile, without a gripe, washing all of it)!

Then I started growing up.  I realized everybody likes entertainers.  Everybody needs a bit of joker in the crowd.  Everybody is basically feeling low at some point of the day, and they’re looking for someone who can pep them up.  In fact as a kid, you don’t even know you are feeling low, you only know that a few friends are nice to hang out with – they are like the Serotonin, noradrenaline, and Dopamine of the gang.  And I was one of these all the time, to someone.  I transformed – I became the positive vibe board, the eternal goodness goofy, the leading clown and the perennial “pause-the-pain-promoter.”  Everybody liked me.  I liked everybody liking me – this was so cool – You just have to fake happiness, and everybody is happy.  In fact by faking happiness, you can take pride in the feeling that you can make everybody happy – Even if you haven’t been able to define what real happiness is!!

I realized how frail people were, at the core.  Everyone is trying to cling to something.  Everyone is trying hard to keep those masks of whatever they want to be perceived as, intact – they are trying all their lives…in fact trying so hard, that their masks could actually crack and reveal their real nature! And who is most scared to peel off the mask – it’s the owner!  And who cares about those masks most – it’s the owner!   What a pity and all mask-wearers, believe they are doing it for the rest of the world!

I am kinda out-of-the-world ! 🙂  With life and its ups-and-downs, I’ve begun to value those moments of genuine warmth, genuine happiness.  I don’t want to clown around any more.  I choose to spend my personal time with only those who are willing to remove their masks for me, with me; only with those who believe that I’ll care enough for them, even without their masks; only with those who are bold enough to be vulnerable with me.  And only with those who feel the same way about me.

Because, I now know when love is true.  I know when that moment of happiness that you share with a loved one is true.  I know when I’ve actually made a genuine connection and when I’ve actually snapped out of one!  There is hardly any confusion these days.  And understandably the people around me are shrinking.  I don’t want to waste my time with entertainers.  I don’t want to be an entertainer.  I am going off into my silence again.

And what a life of screaming silence it has been.  A silence that has suffered the masks and the so-called-happy moments of the many, I’ve come across.

– A silence that has taught me to scream inside for every fake encounter.

– A silence that has taught me to appreciate vulnerability – within and without.

– A silence that has taught me to just hug myself in gratitude for being what I am.

Still, my eyes well up when someone is pinching, thrashing and trying their pin-pricking at me, but I choose to remain silent.

And whoever said silence is golden – They would’ve meant that those are your real moments of genuine happiness.  And I can’t agree more!

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Comments»

1. gabmsn - February 18, 2012

My baby girl who is nine now also didn-t cry for anything, not even during shots! But if she only have a slight feeling that I dont love her, she does cry


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