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The Child Is Mother Of The Woman October 3, 2011

Posted by Gomathi Reddy in Desi Indian, Love and Life, Personal, Relationships, Women and Children.
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My son was reading my blog this noon.  He never does.  He made a face, and said, “You write such long, long sentences.  And I find reading the whole thing a bit of a bore.” Honest feedback.

I smiled and acknowledged, “Thanks…but that’s the way I write. There are still a few out there who like it.”

“Oh, no I didn’t mean it was bad.  I only said, it’s just not my type of material,” he said, trying to be polite.

He never read the last post in full, and everyone’s opinions don’t matter to him – But his opinion matters to me – He speaks his heart, has his own views to life, and never falls inline just because it is expected of him.  He is reasonable and flexible, accommodative of people, respects diversity, yet knows his ground. I thought I must become a really good writer to hold his attention, beyond a mouse-scroll.  And I told myself I will.

But, what he doesn’t know about this blog though is that, the last few pieces of writing have had such a cathartic effect on me.  It is a great way to get my emotions out in the open and sort through my deeper thoughts and feelings.  I sometimes feel like this unsuspecting person who I was before these volcanic events of my life, someone who was just looking for some sincere love and affection to be reciprocated and then ended up in a situation where I’ve now become an agony aunt sounding cautionary tales to all those who are going through the bad phases of this institution called marriage.  But well, I actually don’t caution anyone against marriage – I still believe that it can work for that rare couple, who are made for each other, though I myself would never make the mistake ever again!! It’s just not worth the trouble.

Or maybe it is.  It’s like a wild safari to Jurassic Park on an SUV with three flat tyres….It’s like you have a T-Rex that lost its lunch box, for company! Yes it can take you places you’ve never even read about. This marriage has helped me go through all sorts of experiences – abuse, violence, confusion, depression, therapists, cops, social workers, NGOs working for protecting women against domestic violence, anxiety over my child’s welfare, lawyers, astrologers, sooth-sayers, temples in far-flung places, healing therapists – Name it, I’ve gone through it.  Has all this made any difference to my life?  Yes, it has only made me wiser by many notches…I’ve realized that this is something I have to burn off in this life time.  My conscious and unconscious sins – that of my past lives and present – must be gotten rid of, once and for all.  This realization has made me go through this chain of cause-and-effect episodes with a sense of purpose, despite the tears – The more I go through these, the more I feel that my solutions are within me.  Off late, I’ve started feeling that it is time I took control of my life, and that time is NOW!

The first thing I decided to do was to stop this self-flogging.  I wanted to stop feeling like a victim.  I wanted this, “why me” feeling kicked out of my head.  I wanted this mask of feeling ashamed peeled off me…I didn’t want this to be branded anymore “private.” Now, where is privacy in my life, when all of the abuse I go through happens in my portico – I decided to write about it.

It was so very humiliating at first, and then it was liberating.  I realized that if at all anyone has to be ashamed of it then it is definitely not me! It is almost like an evolutionary change within me – I was willing to look at the world outside of my mind-cocoon.  Blogging about something so painful, yet something very close to my heart, is actually very healing.  So, actually my writing heals – yes, definitely!

But there are a few after-effects that I was never prepared for – I never anticipated some of my readers to read way too much between the lines!  I do agree that all knowledge is perceptive, as much as all interpretation is!  But some people have completely off-tangent interpretations and worse, they think that is what I meant! Now that must be bad communication on my part.

All that I am concerned of now is my child, his health, his education, his happiness, his welfare and my sanity.  There are so many meaningful steps that I am planning for with our lives and I have time only for these positive vibes.  I need to move on, and all ye folks if you can help me stay motivated and cheerful, please do.  Else….please…

As for me, I decided that I must continue to speak my heart, hold my views to life aloft, not fall in line just because it is expected of me….must stay reasonable, flexible and accommodative of people, must continue to respect diversity, yet know my ground.  And finally, everyone’s opinions shouldn’t matter to me at all…..am I beginning to sound like my child?

Or is it the child is the mother of the woman?

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began,
So is it now I am a man,
So be it when I shall grow old
Or let me die!
The child is father of the man:
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety

– William Wordsworth

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Comments»

1. Rahin - October 4, 2011

Hi Gomathi, Thanks for the pain and grit. Your words help me understand what my own mom endured a little better. Rgds. Rahin

Gomathi Reddy - October 5, 2011

Hi Rahin…thanks…I am able to appreciate your loving care for your mom, in her twilight years, that much more. But, take care of yourself too.

2. Ganesh Puttu - October 9, 2011

gomathi, you should be proud that your readers come up with their own interpretations of your posts- it only means that your writings so profound that it needs commentaries…..something like shakespeare’s writings…requiring guides to explain the correct meanings……have fun writing such DEEP blogs…

Gomathi Reddy - October 10, 2011

LOL!!! 🙂 🙂 Thank you!

3. Prateek Sur - October 11, 2011

!!It was really nice to meet ya Gomthi and it was gud to be thr at the blogger’s meet for the first tym..
try checking out my blog and commenting regularly..Would luv to hear ur views..Am following ya expecting u to return the favour someday!!
http://www.headacheandtension.blogspot.com

my movie link:
http://www.youtube.com/user/VinayakSeth22#p/u

Gomathi Reddy - October 11, 2011

Hello Prateek…thank you for stopping by. But I was not there at the bloggers meet….wonder which Gomthi made an impression! 🙂 Sure, will drop by, your lines.


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