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Love And Longing August 31, 2010

Posted by Gomathi Reddy in Desi Indian, Love and Life, Personal, Relationships, Women and Children.
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My aunt was on the phone this morning – It was a pretty long call, catching up with all the family gossip and then she hyperlinked to another aunt who was no more.  This aunt who passed away many years ago, was my best adult pal, in a joint family household which was steeped in conservative practices – where being a female was made to appear as the worst thing that had befallen you – As if we as women had a choice, over our gender!

She was a soft rebel, went about doing her things the way she wanted, without ever raising her voice and I was that little one watching her reactions, for every sordid saga of the household.  Suicide was the last thing that you’d associate with that of a personality like hers, but that’s what happened.  I was too young to understand the dynamics of what she was going through, but it left me disturbed for a long time and many questions went unanswered, until I grew up.

And growing up was all about getting judged all the time, on my resilience.  Fighting my own challenges in life, I have often wondered what she must’ve gone through to have made such a choice.  I’ve allowed many quiet moments to fill my mind whenever there was loss of peace – whenever loss of words and self-worth, take over the vacuum in life.  And then you encounter that strange feeling called Love. It can be an uplifting experience.  After a short shrift, it can also make you wonder if those many moments that passed away as uplifting, were meant only to wither away –  Only to come back and haunt you as pain and longing – like a long beautiful, soft silk scarf caressing you now, longing to become your noose, later.  Should love be based on a  premise?

Should love be based on respect, trust, faith and above all the integrity to speak the truth at all times?  I guess so – That is what I’ve been raised to believe in, and in my own experience I’ll still stand by it.  But when you love someone who doesn’t believe in such values, do you lose faith in love, or do you lose faith in your values? Or do you simply get torn apart between these two worlds and decide to give up your life? Some questions get their natural answers over time.  I understood why my aunt decided to end her life the way she did – though I might never agree to the choices she made.

To me, love is about what you feel for that someone special in your life – not because it will be reciprocated, and certainly not because that someone special deserves your love, but because you feel complete with this feeling of “being in love.”   You just give, and feel lot more enriched.  If your love is true, then it must be the truth itself. This honesty to accept a soul mate into your life is a great feeling, and it can hurt a lot, if the one you love belittles this emotion.

But you instinctively know that if it is true, it would last and you cling to your memories and  wait for the Godot.

Can such an emotion ever be associated with the frail and the false?  Never.

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