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Alone and Out! August 10, 2010

Posted by Gomathi Reddy in General, Love and Life, Personal.
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Yesterday, I took the day off – to a different setting, to create a different day.  I made it a point to head to the Marina, last morning, and took part in the walk to stress on road safety, in my avatar as a Rotarian.   I strolled along with the crowd and moved beyond the placard carriers, as I realized I wanted to be left alone. Then I drove down to the beach, for some sprightly morning wash with the waves.

I was trying my best to get past this mood of solemn quiet.  I wanted to be with people, be part of some useful activity and wanted to get away from feeling lonely.  I walked down the beach, and stared up into the sky, and noticed that lonely cloud, I turned around and walked into the vast empty stretch of sand, and ended up bumping into an empty lonely catamaran, got bugged and looked away only to stare at the lonely ship in the far away port.  Is loneliness all about searching and understanding the quintessential, “who am I?” What is this message from the Universe that I am failing to receive, as I fight my loneliness? As a singular, lonely chair beckoned my company, I ignored it to walk into the water, and was hit by a sudden cold splash, on my face.  With a disappearing smile, I noticed, wave after wave of lonely waves heading to the shore, gathering speed only to lose themselves, into oblivion, as they melt away and retreat.

Is being lonely part of your being? Does loneliness melt away, just like the waves, after a while? I wish, I could find a place for my soul, where it need not feel lonely anymore! Can I make it to the shores of life, alone? Beyond the psychodynamic perspective of “loneliness” is there any other meaning to this phase in my life?  I am willing to confront this loneliness and not run away from it.

I try to answer all these questions, as I walk back to the car, and then I noticed that my car keys were missing. Just as panic threatened to take over, a good Samaritan at the beach saw me treading through that wet sand and walking back all the way to the shore in search of something.  I felt, at a superficial level, I was searching for my car keys, whereas at a more ethereal level, the heavily sanded beach was symbolic of my life, as I keep searching for that one meaningful relationship – the key that can unlock me from being just another “seeker,” to being one who had lived a life of “fulfillment.”

She gave my keys, and that brought a grateful smile back on to my face.  I was indeed praying along with my lucky mascot, for my keys. My lucky mascot is my Teddy. I know I am sounding a little like Mr.Bean.  Teddy is more or less my alter ego, who is mentally by my side, always making sure that I win, even in the most stressful of situations. I thanked Teddy, mentally and the Samaritan, in person.

This morning, I got to chat up with Teddy…. and I realized that even in my loneliness I was not alone.  I also realized that beyond all my suffering, this loneliness has made me sensitive, and more compassionate towards the others.  I felt a sudden wave of hope and vitality.

Something told me, I was never alone.  And peace descended.

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